Gotta tell ya, the 15 minutes my 8 year old played goalie tonight in his soccer game was the longest 15 minutes of my life

Twinzer: Dad, I can’t do my homework, I don’t feel good! My belly hurts!

Me: Would it feel better if we played the Switch instead?

Twinzer: Yes!

Me: Great, then you’re not sick. Do your homework.

Twinzer: 😮😑

Took me 26 years but I finally read a Harry Potter book.

When it’s 3 pm on a Monday and you need Bry, Thor of Coffee ⚡️☕️ to swoop in with an iced coffee like some sort of caffeinated superhero 😂

I’m not sure if I’m just getting old and not mentally adjusting to the increased cost of things, but I just can’t bring myself to pay $30+ for a pair of Old Navy jeans

So as this is a New Alt Acount, I thought I’d clarify somethings for anyone who might stumble their way over here.

First of all, yes, I am TwinzerDad. New Twinzer Dad flavor, same bad taste in jokes

👇

I feel like the world is testing me right now.

Can someone remind the world that I was a B- student at best?

I know things are getting tougher when you can’t get the top of the bottom of the barrel

Twinzer: Dad, I think I wanna play travel soccer

Me: Ok, well you have to try out … and… well they do a lot less sitting and dancing on the field during the games than you tend to do.

Twinzer: Oh, Nevermind.

Let’s face it, when it’s second graders, it’s really a Scholastic Poster Fair.

Well that was anti-apocalyptic

#cloudydays #sweepintheeclipseaway

open.spotify.com/track/7wuJGgpT…

Some just cut me off in traffic and I yelled “Fudge Ripple Cream” instead of f*ck.

Don’t tell me parenting doesn’t change you.

The problem is, I was sleeping with that Sunday Morning confidence.

Except… it’s Monday morning.

It’s gonna be a long week.

'Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?'

'No sun.'

I have zero problem taking my kids to the park.

It’s more the 30 minutes between “yes we can go to the park” and when we actually leave that drives me insane

My wife is the only name on the Costco Card (it’s how she keeps the balance of power in our relationship tilted in her favor)

So I asked if we could all go today.

Her voice said “uhm sure” but her face said she’d rather sit naked on a pineapple for a flight to Australia

Floods, Earthquakes, Solar Eclipse.

If this is the rapture, I’d really like to blow some vacation days before the apocalypse