people weigh less on the moon because there’s no gravy

Friends don’t let friends use bathrooms in the greenroom.

Urban legend has it that if a man cries three times while alone in his apartment I appear out of thin air and try to date him

The undercover cop on #SquidGame …. His cell phone battery is immortal.

Stages of a relationship:
Sex
Holding hands
Moving in
Apple Picking

😂😂😂

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Hey #SanDiego ! Celebrate #VeteransDay with the The GIs of Comedy at Laugh Factory: San Diego on Thur 11/11! Featuring steve mazan (@USNavy) Les Jennings (@usairforce) James P. Connolly (@USMarineCorps) #JustinWood (@USArmy) & Armed Services Arts Partnership (ASAP)! Get tix eventbrite.com/e/freedom-to-l…

i hate mondays or whatever day this is

The Falcons defeated the Dolphins yet a falcon would never be able to defeat a full-grown dolphin in the wild. Football is a lie.

As a kid in the 90’s I think I drank water maybe 4 times

Coming to #SanDiego ! Ester Steinberg & #NoahGardenschwartz ! At Laugh Factory: San Diego 11/5 - 11/7! Get tickets at eventbrite.com/o/laugh-factor… or laughfactory.com!

I’d rather be ghosted than sent a break up text listing my best qualities.

I am going to relax. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Except KFC. They know what they twoted to me. Bye! 🥰

This weekend in #SanDiego ! Jamie Kennedy bringing the heat to Laugh Factory: San Diego! 10/22 - 10/24! Get tix at eventbrite.com/o/laugh-factor… or laughfactory.com #Scream #Scream Movie #JamieKennedyExperiment

“Not tonight, guys. But soon, I promise!” -me to the bagged salads I bought, as I order delivery

Just saw a grape underneath a urinal. Who out here snackin mid public pee pee?

One piece of bacon is never enough

This weekend in #SanDiego ! Jamie Kennedy coming to Laugh Factory: San Diego stage in the #Gaslamp ! 10/22 - 10/24 get tickets at laughfactory.com or
eventbrite.com/o/laugh-factor…

This weekend in #SanDiego ! Paul Rodriguez at Laugh Factory: San Diego 10/15 - 10/17! Get tix at eventbrite.com/o/laugh-factor… or laughfactory.com!