@mortimermaiden
wife material
ID:2149571123
calendar_today23-10-2013 14:03:11
12,0K Tweets
5,0K Followers
405 Following
6 years ago
[whispering to lifeguard as he cradles me] did I drink it all?
1 year ago
Wow, the cheapest Tesla you can get is $50K and that's before funeral costs
Itβs so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain itβs memories
Best part of thanksgiving is the βwalkβ with your cousins before dinner π₯° the only day of the year i KNOW iβm getting laid
[running out of hotdogs causing one of the raccoons Iβve given a loaded gun to to turn on me] oh no
i truly believe that i will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity when i get every single post on hthis fucking website deleted by 2022
3 years ago
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
{pointing a rifle at the night sky} goodnight moon
do NOT fight Sojourner Truth
I hope my ghost and my skeleton will stay friends after I die
as a kid i had to move around a lot because my dad threw things at me
8 years ago
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager
4 years ago
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7me: before rush hour, smart move
2 years ago
me: is this the part where you hit me in the knee with your little hammerjudge: no
Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks
*holding you at gunpoint* tell me about your day