Alien: it makes no sense
Me: yeah I dunno why Netflix has a ‘trending’ and a ‘popular’ tab actually that’s a good point

Fuck sake I hope the moon doesn’t go in front of the sun for a bit.

Apart from my actions what the hell did I do to deserve this

Shows coming for the handful of you in Perth! eventbrite.com.au/e/pinder-hughe…

My kid hit me with the classic “why did the chicken cross the road” and then went “because chickens do cross roads in real life plus it’s April fools so you don’t really know what he’s thinking”

He’s not “6 going on 16”. Your kids just a little shit.

God: you’re going
Jesus: no
God: you’re spending the weekend at your mum & Joes, then you're back for the Easter holidays
Jesus: the what
God: the what

Bats get a bad rap for the whole covid thing but the real crime is how they eat bananas. That shit is fucken revolting.

My favourite martial arts is Brazilian capybara.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Simpson ain’t got shit on me

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
'Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?'

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

i dont mind some of the new disney films, i just dont like that little fish cunt with the twaty fin. whole movie shoulda just been called “dickhead didnt do as he was told”

One of the things I like to do to unwind after a long day is to be a fucken nightmare to everyone.

I just want to be rich enough that when someone asks if they can borrow my car, I have to ask which one & they’ll say “the Lamborghini” & I’ll say, “which one though?” & they’ll go “the red one” & I’ll go “get fucked mate”

They wanted me for the next James Bond. They said, “we want you for the next James Bond.” I said, “007?” They went, “Yeah 007, the lad what has the martini.” “Fuck off,” I said. They offered me over a thousand dollars and I still said no. Good luck to whoever they get though.

The cost of living? You mean being sad a lot?

My biggest ick is hearing you go on about your icks.

Click here to see a guinea pig’s asshole arvr.google.com/scene-viewer/w…