BREAKING: Muslim rape gangs now said to be openly and randomly, targeting and attacking fresh Baked goods across America! Police spokesman NYPD Captain Artie Sanderson says, 'If they hit the donuts, you will see a complete breakdown of law enforcement. You'll be on your own.'

BUSINESS: Bill Gates announces new plan for Bird Flu. 'There's really nothing to it. All you will have to do is get a second Microsoft Surface laptop and run a second nose hose to your existing Surface nose hose system.'

BREAKING: In a presser this morning, Joe Biden announces the 'Operation: Rufus' program to aid in our election integrity in November. 'Rufus, and other little dogs like him will be posted at all polling stations nationwide. ANYONE tries to cheat, the dogs will spring to action!'

HOLLYWOOD: Last Night, Chuck Norris officially launched his comedy career opening at the Laugh Factory. His first joke was about Will Smith and his wife who were in attendance. At the punchline, Will Smith got up... and slapped the shit out of his wife!

BREAKING: A number of bags stored as lost luggage at LAX back in 1998, have finally been identified. Using the TSA's new DNA SmartScan technology, these bags have been confirmed as belonging to none other than Congressman Adam Schiff. Mr. Schiff has been notified.

POLL: In 2024, if a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she

HOLLYWOOD: Last Night, Chuck Norris officially launched his comedy career opening at the Laugh Factory. His first joke was about Will Smith and his wife who were in attendance. At the punchline, Will Smith got up... and slapped the shit out of his wife!

POLL: In 2024, if a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she

BREAKING: A number of bags stored as lost luggage at LAX back in 1998, have finally been identified. Using the TSA's new DNA SmartScan technology, these bags have been confirmed as belonging to none other than Congressman Adam Schiff. Mr. Schiff has been notified.

BREAKING: In an ugly and unsuspected turn of events today, a leaked photo of the jurors who have been selected for President Trump's trial in New York city, surfaces on the internet.

BREAKING: Biden has announced tonight that several missiles launched from the other side of the globe have indeed touched down on his garage. Among the casualties are 284 bankers boxes of classified top secret files, and a reported $2.0 trillion in gold held in a 'lower area'.

WASHINGTON: The House just passed the 'Laken Riley Act', which requires ICE to detain illegals who are charged with local theft or burglary. Other items in the Act include: $14 billion more dollars to Ukraine and a 2 trillion dollar combination aid package to Israel and Palestine

FASHION: Chanel for 2024 has just released their ultimate workout machine! Designed specifically for WEF leaders, WHO shills, and the elite celebrities and politicians who push their agendas every day! Coco says, 'It's very edgy!'

Breaking : Biden signs an executive order this morning in advance to his visit to the southern border on Thursday. This latest order will give all illegals who cross the border one free ice cream cone at Dairy Queen and a voters registration card.

BREAKING: This morning nikkihaley.com went on sale at Google Domains for just .99 cents! Now's your chance to own a piece of American history! While there, why not buy it for 2 years at even more of an incredible discount one time payment of just $1.17

BREAKING: Former President Donald Trump has engaged in a spree of sorts, ultimately culminating in a multi-state high speed chase just now ending in Texas. Trucker Mel Tillis who was Trumps hostage said in a statement, 'He just lunged at me and took the wheel! The man's lost it.'

WASHINGTON: In a stunning move today the White House announced that Hillary Clinton will be taking over the office of the President beginning next week. Kamala Harris would have gotten the nod as per the Constitution however, she is still away on a fact finding mission in Mexico.

HISTORY: The Herculaneum Papyri scrolls dated to 79 AD have finally been deciphered! They outline several advanced telecommunication technologies for what they call Centrino waves. Theorists say it's likely 100 times faster than 5G and won't irradiate your nuts.

NATIONAL: At a rural presser today President Trump announced he was taking an early weekend and is taking Joe Biden camping! When asked how long the dynamic duo of the woods would be gone, Trump replied, 'I'll be back Monday.'

BREAKING: At a presser this morning, Trump stated, 'Today, I am announcing my choice for the next Vice President of the United States. A man that I know I can trust, and who will no matter what get the job done. Me, Donald J. Trump. Yes, I give you Trump/Trump 24.'