I’m trying to live more like Jesus which means I randomly tell my friends they’ll betray me three times before the rooster crows

humanity’s genetic salvation? this uber-couple is sucking and fucking to save the human race

[preparing for my eugenics photoshoot] hey honey, where are my fucking dork glasses?

Lots to think about. Much to consider

Hi I’m Megan and this is Reverse William Tell

Google is BROKEN

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n - Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

there are two kinds of spam bots

it's so insane to me that the least weird pope of all time is the one that's alive right now

you cant even run a joke into the ground anymore. because of an unspecified reason

I’m a starving child starving to death and this is the very last thing I have ever watched. gootbye

Email Subject Line: YOUR PACKAGE HAS SHIPPED

Email Body; Your package hasn’t shipped. You idiot. You fucking idiot. We just created a shipping label

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n - Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

I think a cursed amulet would recognize my gentle spirit and give up on corrupting me

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?