optimus prime - 'guys, allow me to introduce you to the newest transformer'

tesla cybertruck - 'buhhhhhh... [tips up slightly then just explodes]

'there's nothing to be scared of sweetie, now be a good girl and follow the giant glowing spider that roams around our house while we're asleep'

Me: Imagine if every tear was an egg and every time you started crying there was 10-50 broken eggs on you. You leave a funeral and it’s like “crunch crunch crunch” (if the person was beloved).

Genie: That's your wish?

Me: No, we're just talking. Just being Friends right now.

whatever happened to all the guys who were super into 3D printers. There was a 12 month period around 2019 where men made 3D printing their entire personality and everything they made looked like absolute dogshit

wait a second

To the gentleman in Kettering who screamed ‘GREGGS!!’ from the window of a moving bus this morning, you were 100% correct. That was a Greggs

A Lego update?? Sure why not. Built the Lion Knights’ Castle, and it is stunning. Gonna add the Medieval Town Square next. Will post photos when it’s done

me when there is lots going on this weekend

That ‘crossaint’ is actually a baby and it has a really rare disease :(

Guy on the top floor - ‘hey uh, can I get 946 bedsheets please’

I tried everything for my back pain, but then I saw a vague twitter ad from someone with 14 followers and an NFT profile pic. Long story short I am now paralyzed from the neck down

discount onlyfans call it a penny for your thots

such a shock when you find out an adult friend is still christian

computers used to yell at us when we connected to the internet, but in our hubris we ignored them.

He is Risen. and by He. haha well. lets justr say. my peanits

jesus [rises]
me 'hell yeah'
jesus [keeps rising]
'hey man cut it out haha'
Jesus [reaches a cruising altitude of 37,000ft]
'uhhhhh'
[a Boeing 737 appears in the distance]

Mr Bean, Mr Bean, Mr Bean Mr Beeeaaaann, I'm begging of you please don't take my man

‘my kids know me as this ape’ is the most tragic thing any human has said, ever