roses are red
violets are blue
twitter.com/robdelaney/sta…

DON DRAPER: 'We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But this guy--'
(Taps drawing of chihuahua)
'There's only one thing he quieros.'

Maybe a different company should make the 737 Max

if you're a man under 6' you better get your cute little ass to the north pole to help santa

'So we kill a tree'
Ok
'And put it inside our house'
Nice
'Then we hang up some socks'
I'm with ya
'And then we drink egg milk punch'
What

Idk what people are telling you but I personally think it's really cool and smart of you to hold onto the box your cellphone came in for two years in case of a scenario that you came up with in your head that has never occurred in real life

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

'I'm gonna be real with you Karen if there's more birds in this box I'm leaving you'

you (plebeian, unrefined): Die Hard is a Christmas movie

me (worldly, sophisticated): Die Hard is a Christmas film

yesterday I moved my entire life savings into bored ape NFTs (top tier). now to take a big slurp of juice and check twitter

In home alone, the same actor who plays one of the bad guys plays the cop at the beginning of the movie.

“No. Shittier.” -Vince Guaraldi directing the children’s choir for A Charlie Brown Christmas

the owns in the grinch song are fucking devastating

me turning down my music while getting pulled over: sorry bout that
cop: was that O Holy Night?

weird choice but ok

just discovered a major gaffe in that chipmunks christmas song. if you listen closely you can hear the musical director

🎶 Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger
🎶 But she been panning in that old river

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

no matter your politics it’s disrespectful to joke about someone’s death. don’t say henry kissinger died from a grand piano falling on his head and his mouth turned into piano keys and then a big hammer fell on his dick and it honked like a bike horn. don’t say stuff like that

Henry Kissinger can't have the one thing he really wants