Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half a xan and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah definitely

Why did my hotel room come w this framed bedside

cool hat I just found at 7/11

Not me watching Euphoria 👁👄👁

Lexi’s play was crazyyyyyy 😹

Gonna be 30 years old in 6 months

London this May 😍🇬🇧

CVS when Im picking up insulin to not die: that’ll be 1000000000 dollars

CVS when Im picking up xanax that I definitely don’t actually need: take a penny leave a penny :)

Texting and driving hits different when youre drunk

Too scary

I watch maybe 1-3 Norm compilations on youtube every week and just remembered when he tweeted this about Brody. Death fucking sucks but it is beautiful knowing that you can go back and watch them on the computer whenever you miss them

I think about these two and a half pages from Norm Macdonald’s book constantly. When I reviewed it, I wrote that they would “make for a fine eulogy”—and I swear I didn’t mean anything by it. But they do.

Nobody is was or ever will be funnier than Norm. Fuck this

Priest gives me a communion wafer. Tells me it's 'the body of Christ'. Gives me wine. Tells me it's 'the blood of Christ'. Gives me a DVD box set. I go, 'Father what is this.............'

He says to me, 'The Mind of Mencia'

Twitter to ban “former gifted children” starting October 1

It was the only Saturday available on the calendar 🤦🏻‍♂️🥴

This was when the internet peaked for me. Downhill ever since 50 Cent stopped hanging out w weird children